Saturday, September 5, 2009

WINNING LIFE

Forward: This post changed dramatically after I started writing, included is a short summary of my life, so my idea of losing could be conveyed. There is hope.

Winning what? Wealth? Fame? The game? The race? What do I really want. This question plagued me for many years and still i still drift off at times from the current path I have taken. Much
effort of thought was given to what I wanted from life. The answers came in bursts when I saw something that appeared to be nice to have. Once I zeroed in on something, the never ending thoughts of obtaining it filled my head. I woke thinking and lay in bed at night falling asleep with the "thoughts of the thing" still racing through my head like some catchy song heard on the radio that just won't go away.
Many unobtainable things I sought since my teen years, like that girl, even though it was my friend's girl, even though the girl had no such feelings for me, but I went for it anyway, destroyed friendships and left me even more empty and alone. Popularity ran from me, nightlife at the local club getting loaded offered only temporary relief and was fun at first. As time went on, however, this lead to problems from inappropriate words and actions that flowed like the alcohol I consumed.
My life was becoming a jumbled up mess that left me sick, and seeking medical help. Prescription anti-depressants were written and used with little or no effect. I drifted in and out of the church, becoming over committed at times, then "burned out", returning to the drugs that offered something different once again. I sought help from a mental health counselor and psychiatrist, the latter gave me some "really good" drugs, that were promptly abused. The thoughts of what winning was became so twisted, my mind getting no rest, no relief, I checked myself in to a behavioral health unit, once released, I went straight back to drugs to relieve the pain of losing, as I was losing everything. The idea of being a winner was gone. I had no hope.
And I did lose everything.
Through will power I stopped using temporarily. Then controlled using as I rebuilt a life. "THE GIRL", came into my life and went through the battle I fought for many more years. During this time we began to accumulate "stuff" as my career took off again. I thought I was finally winning. Like the past, the radio in my head went back to that same old station, searching for something that alluded me that I couldn't figure out. Was it more stuff? New or different relationships? WHAT THE HELL WAS "IT"? I was losing control of my using. I was losing again, this time almost losing my life.
Broken and afraid, I was pointed to something I had never considered. My head cleared as the effects of the drugs wore off. I found people like me. No longer alone, the slow process of learning to living a principled life began. The "stuff" is OK, but not the "thing". Rejection is not a great fear as my expectations have become more realistic. Learning to "calm down" is making me a little more acceptable. Today I am a Winner.

So who are these winners and what is the "thing"? The winners I know come from all walks of life. They are practicing a principled life. The winners don't force their ideology on me and accept me in spite of mine. No guilt trips come from winners. The winners give expecting nothing in return. The "thing", peace?, serenity? turning off the radio in my head? sanity?

Today I seek not the cool people, but the ones that do no harm. The winners give unconditional love. I'll finish this with some words from long ago: Love suffers long and is kind: love does not envy love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in absence of spiritual values, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. LOVE NEVER FAILS.

GOD is Spiritual Principles and Spiritual Priciples, God.

3 comments:

  1. to Tabitha for the inspiration to write this.

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  2. I think you may be onto something. I'll be happy to go along for the ride.

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  3. Hey D'O,
    I read this with rapt attention! My, this was better than 4 cups of expresso! Bless you and thank you! I'm certainly going to use the idea you sent me on the forum, and by chance, if you have ideas you're not going to use, please forward them to me. I'll considerate it an honorable challenge! peace to you and yours...

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