When At The End Of The Road We Find That We Can No Longer Function As Human Beings.....

That is where I was four years ago, the insanity of my life that had been growing for years increased at an alarming rate in September, 2005. The never ending thoughts of despair had turned me into someone I no longer knew. Everywhere I was trapped, my job involved every area of my life. The money, my home, friends and family members were all linked to my employment. The job I had loved so much, now was only a burden. The medication I abused turned me into a zombie, I couldn't remember anything. Cornered, I lashed out at everyone I cared about, I needed relief. I could not find anyone that truly understood. Without hope, I turned to street drugs that provided a temporary illusion of relief adding to the despair. When the effects wore off, all I could think of was more. My employer and family had tried in vain to help. It had to end. Sitting in a hotel room alone with no money, no hope and as I believed no one left in my life I reached out to help lines that didn't help. The only thing left was 911..... The date was October 11, 2005.



The hotel manager, then police and an ambulance arrived (long pause here, the memory is so painful). I was taken to a mental health facility, the staff called my wife, that, to my surprise, came straight away to see me. After a few days, she presented me with a brochure for a drug treatment center. After reading it, I asked her, "but do they have a program for me"? I knew there was something wrong with my brain, but I could not accept that I might be an addict. I only used the drugs for relief from my torment.



At the treatment center it did not take long for me to realize the mistake. I was educated about the nature of addiction and received some guidance to the nature of recovery. Once released, still lonely and afraid, with little family support remaining, I found my way, for the first time in my life, to others like me.



I FOUND HOPE. My new friends and God have led me to a new life, something different, and a new way of thinking. Gradually, over the past four years my life has become more managable, no longer needing chemicals to change the way I feel. Destroyed relationships are beginning to regrow. Today life is good. While yet a work in progress I look forward to each new day to improve as I attempt to live a principled (GOD) centered life.

On Monday, October 12, I will celebrate the anniversary of my new life with friends and family.

ME WRONG? YOU CAN'T MEAN IT!!

Looking back (is always the best way to see), I thought I had a good grip on life and the way things are. My opinion was fact, as I saw it. I never forgot anything, others were mistaken about what happened or was said. I knew what was better for others than they did. Hmm. That is the way I saw things four years ago (and can easily slip into that pattern of thinking to this day), before I started this attempt at a new way of living.



When "REALITY" (truth, honesty) hit me that I might possible be wrong, I finally asked for help, both from GOD and someone living a principle based life. It was simple, I was told, the only thing I had to change (about myself) was everything, including the "fact" that I already knew everything. I could no longer will others to follow my advice. "IT'S WHAT YOU LEARN AFTER YOU KNOW EVERY THING THAT COUNTS".



So, what am I doing different? I am actually learning to listen. When a group is gathered in conversation, I no longer have to say " I've got one (a story from glory days) better than that"!I have found that my opinion is better sometimes left unsaid. Reading my blogs one will be hard pressed to find any advice I give, If a friend asks for solutions to problems, I will only tell them what has worked for me, I do not give opinion based advice. If I have no personal experience on the matter I say so and try to direct them to someone that does. Today, I have the ability to say "I don't know", no longer the ultimate authority on everything. Not to confuse anyone, I have strong personal beliefs about politics, religion, etc., but I do not rub others noses in it. A debate on such maters is enjoyable, for me, as long as all involved are civil and respect the views of others.



Today, I have the freedom to let others be wrong. I no longer have to always be right. I can allow others to live life as they want, without my meddling.



My writings and way of living are not new. The material in my blogs are my personal experience of living a principle based life as handed down from others. This is just my way of sharing the new freedom I have found, hoping you may also find this freedom. Do I resemble that remark?

Learning to act and think this way is very difficult for me, but the result is far greater than the effort.

I HATE CONFRONTATION

Confrontation has always been a problem for me. Rather the correct way to go about it. To resolve conflicts and end resentments. The absolute worst thing I have ever had to do was to fire some one. Not many years ago I was a department manager responsible for my employees. To have to "let someone go" was agony. I would get physically ill, nausea, my whole body shaking.

Though that is not what I have going on today, I thought it important to mention, so I could better convey my reluctance to confront others with unpleasant business.

In the past I would let my displeasure with the words or actions of others go on until I exploded, this never turned out well. The only other option I had, if possible, was to completely remove myself from the person that I had allowed to hurt me. When confronted by others I become very defensive, rejecting the thought I could possible be wrong. So, I have done a good job of losing a great many relationship by my inability to confront and resolve problems.

Today, I am learning to face problems with others, as painfull as it may be, in hopes to continue, improve and re-establish relationships with those I care for, both friends and family. It seems, I must also look at my part in these conflicts, to consider what I may have done to contribute and be prepared to be confronted with facts I never considered. Understanding that the problem may not be resolved, my efforts rejected is a possibility, I am finding, for which I must also prepare.

When all is said and done, I pray most of all, that I hold no resentments. That I may have the ability to let go, to put difficult issues behind me, to enjoy the relationships I have, to love without condition. God help me confront, applying spiritual principles, to resolve conflicts.

WINNING LIFE

Forward: This post changed dramatically after I started writing, included is a short summary of my life, so my idea of losing could be conveyed. There is hope.

Winning what? Wealth? Fame? The game? The race? What do I really want. This question plagued me for many years and still i still drift off at times from the current path I have taken. Much
effort of thought was given to what I wanted from life. The answers came in bursts when I saw something that appeared to be nice to have. Once I zeroed in on something, the never ending thoughts of obtaining it filled my head. I woke thinking and lay in bed at night falling asleep with the "thoughts of the thing" still racing through my head like some catchy song heard on the radio that just won't go away.
Many unobtainable things I sought since my teen years, like that girl, even though it was my friend's girl, even though the girl had no such feelings for me, but I went for it anyway, destroyed friendships and left me even more empty and alone. Popularity ran from me, nightlife at the local club getting loaded offered only temporary relief and was fun at first. As time went on, however, this lead to problems from inappropriate words and actions that flowed like the alcohol I consumed.
My life was becoming a jumbled up mess that left me sick, and seeking medical help. Prescription anti-depressants were written and used with little or no effect. I drifted in and out of the church, becoming over committed at times, then "burned out", returning to the drugs that offered something different once again. I sought help from a mental health counselor and psychiatrist, the latter gave me some "really good" drugs, that were promptly abused. The thoughts of what winning was became so twisted, my mind getting no rest, no relief, I checked myself in to a behavioral health unit, once released, I went straight back to drugs to relieve the pain of losing, as I was losing everything. The idea of being a winner was gone. I had no hope.
And I did lose everything.
Through will power I stopped using temporarily. Then controlled using as I rebuilt a life. "THE GIRL", came into my life and went through the battle I fought for many more years. During this time we began to accumulate "stuff" as my career took off again. I thought I was finally winning. Like the past, the radio in my head went back to that same old station, searching for something that alluded me that I couldn't figure out. Was it more stuff? New or different relationships? WHAT THE HELL WAS "IT"? I was losing control of my using. I was losing again, this time almost losing my life.
Broken and afraid, I was pointed to something I had never considered. My head cleared as the effects of the drugs wore off. I found people like me. No longer alone, the slow process of learning to living a principled life began. The "stuff" is OK, but not the "thing". Rejection is not a great fear as my expectations have become more realistic. Learning to "calm down" is making me a little more acceptable. Today I am a Winner.

So who are these winners and what is the "thing"? The winners I know come from all walks of life. They are practicing a principled life. The winners don't force their ideology on me and accept me in spite of mine. No guilt trips come from winners. The winners give expecting nothing in return. The "thing", peace?, serenity? turning off the radio in my head? sanity?

Today I seek not the cool people, but the ones that do no harm. The winners give unconditional love. I'll finish this with some words from long ago: Love suffers long and is kind: love does not envy love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in absence of spiritual values, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. LOVE NEVER FAILS.

GOD is Spiritual Principles and Spiritual Priciples, God.

A DAY ALONE

Finally have a day alone with nothing to do until later this afternoon. No great words of wisdom in this post, just my thoughts. I have spent most of the morning doing absolutely nothing. Several topics for some posts have passed my mind, but can not decide which to put forth the effort to research and meditate. Will do my best to post something before Monday (worth reading)

TO MUCH INFORMATION?

I have recently entered in to the wonderful arena of social networking via the internet (Myspace). Due to the family members and friends found that I had no contact with for some time I find myself completely overwhelmed with emotion. Some were receptive of my attempt to reconnect, others not so much. Finding myself wanting to use this space to try to repair the relationships, I had to stop and seek counsel. The following is what I have found.

While a web log is a great way to share life experience with the world, it seems it will not probably not resolve the issues at hand. According to those with experience in these type of problems only direct confrontation will work, and things may not turnout the way I want. Today I will use the spiritual principles I have learned and GOD's will to work on this.

Now let me go summon up courage, honesty and faith to face the day. I will call on God to give me the words and actions that I do no harm, not even to myself, showing respect for others while maintaining my own dignity.



Therefore do no worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:34

What Is Honesty?

A search of the web for definitions resulted in as many answers that are what honest is not as what it is or perceived to be. Frank, open, truthful and trustworthy, not a lie, cheat or deceitful seems to be the most common of current understanding. A Google search for "how often do people lie" returned many varied results. Seems we lie a lot according to studies, as much as ten times an hour, if we count how many times we lie to ourselves. One study was so bold to state we are lied to 200 times a day. WHY?

HONESTY IS REALITY!*. By deceiving others we are also deceiving ourselves. Rigorous honesty is a formidable task for most of us. We do not want to hurt others feelings, our "stories" are better with a little exaggeration, but most of all I believe we lie to protect ourselves from others.
Thou not exempt from lying, I am finding that honesty, living in reality and truth, eliminates fear (of being found out). No double life that I once lived. The "reality" is I am satisfied with my life today, learning how to trust and be trusted takes honesty.

ARE YOU HAPPY? ARE YOU HAPPY?.......BUT ARE YOU SATISFIED?, Can not remember the name of the speaker.

*Quote from Barry M